http://www.tenderteddytags.com/heart-plush/
Will you read, rate and edit my poem?
I'm shouting at you through a soundproof wall My heart is stumbling in my breast skin as my hands, I can feel your pulse It hurts, but pain is soothing As my last note proclaims the love of my heart explodes in my chest, skin hanging below the chin, but my dream is the heart torn pieces of irregular shape online speech before I fall on the floor my knees Like my weight will not respond to my cheek soft plush white carpet My eyes focused on the sterile core of my heart, but heart in past the wall of white pique, I see your face and mouth the words he had longed to hear, but the heart in front of my struggle to overcome and with one last dying terminal heart swells to the size and cry my proclamation This was written at 1:30 in the morning to have an ounce of pity? =) It This is my first writing a poem does not rhyme or have a particular rhythm. Thank you!
Not bad. The only thing I would change is the line "As I take the skin, I feel beat. "It seems that you say your skin is to beat. I would change it to" As I am taking my chest, I feel beat, "but your poem if it's just a suggestion. That was all that could change. Usually my best poems / lyrics are written by the night. Your mind is in another state at that time. Well, mine is anyway.
 |
 Care Bears 11 Heart Song Bear Plush Toy Stuffed Animal 2006 EXC COND  US $17.99
|
 7 Carebear Secret bear Plush toy fushia heart padlock US $9.99
|
 Care Bear Cousin 13 Brave Heart Lion Plush w Video 2004 NEW US $40.00
|
 Care Bear Cousin 13 Loyal Heart Dog Plush w Video 2004 NEW US $40.00
|
 CAREBEAR BRAVE HEART COUSIN PLUSH APPROX 9 VGC US $8.95
|
 Large lot of CARE BEARS daydream cheer cozy heart bear kenner tcfc plush dolls A US $24.99
|
 Boyds Bears Plush CORNWALLIS Heart Sweater 16 US $49.99
|
 CARE BEARS PLUSH 9 COUSINS GENTLE HEART LAMB GC 2004 US $9.99
|
 Lot 4 Care Bear Vintage Plush Heart Elephant Wish Kenner Valentines Easter Gift US $9.99
|
 VINTAGE 1984 CARE BEARS COUSIN PLUSH LOTSA HEART ELEPHANT US $9.99
|
 WORK OF HEART BEAR CARE BEAR 2005 Plush Toy 13 US $7.49
|
 Care Bears Cousins PLAYFUL HEART MONKEY Plush 20 US $24.95
|
 Care Bears Cousins BRAVE HEART LION Plush 20 inches US $24.95
|
 Carebear Best Friend Bear 2004 Stuffed Animal Plush 11 Pink Rainbow Heart Love US $17.99
|
 Valentine Plush Bear With KISS ME Heart US $9.99
|
 DEX HEART BEAT WOMB SOUND BEAR PLUSH SOOTHER VGC US $9.99
|
 Blue Daydream Hearts Stars 14 inch Care Bear Plush US $9.99
|
 Plush Build A Bear Shimmer Kitty 2 Piece Outfit Top Jeans Skirt White Pink Heart US $39.99
|
 2004 Care Bears Cousins 8 “ plush LOYAL HEART DOG MWTs US $9.99
|
 care bears 10 plush love a lot bear TIE DYE special edition 2 hearts soft toy US $9.99
|
 25 Care Bear Carebear Cousins Lotsa Heart Elephant Plush Doll 2004 New with Tag US $40.00
|
 BUILD A BEAR Plush Puppy Dog LOVE Hearts w shirt 20 US $16.97
|
 Trina White Bear Boyds Plush Toy Stuffed Animal Heart Box Valentine Teddy BNWT US $26.00
|
 Build a Bear Pink Hearts Gorilla Plush Stuffed Toy 17 US $12.98
|
 Large Plush White Teddy Bear XOXO Pink Heart Soft Paws US $23.00
|
 NEW 2004 Care Bears 8 “ plush BASHFUL HEART BEAR MWTs Last One US $12.99
|
 care bears Love a lot bear vintage plush 2 hearts 13 stuffed animal US $14.99
|
 2003 10 CARE BEARS COUSINS LOTSA HEART ELEPHANT PLUSH CARE BEAR NWOT US $13.99
|
 HOT NEW GIANT HUGE PLUSH BEETLE LOVE HEART TEDDY BEAR WHITE 70CM GIFT US $32.01
|
 Care Bears Plush Bashful Heart Bear 9 US $3.27
|